Laugh Out Loud

Extracted from “The Star – 22nd February 2014”

Ode to David Moyes

UNITED is red, Everton is blue

Ever since you joined us, we’ve become poo

Watching you move from blunder to blunder

How we sink so low, I wonder

You’ve turned the champions into a team of fools

Whoever watches us play, snoozes and drools

How you got the job, I don’t know

But you’ve got to accept it’s time for you to go

You’ll never be like Fergie, no matter how hard you try

So for the love of God, David, please say goodbye

 

Monetary comfort

MONEY can’t buy you happiness but it’s more comfortable to cry in a Mercedes than on a bicycle.

 Pirate parts

A PIRATE walks into a bar.

Bartender: “Hey, I haven’t seen you in a while. What happened? You’re a mess!”

Pirate: “What do you mean? I’m fine.”

Bartender: “What’s with the wooden leg? You didn’t have that before.”

Pirate: “Well, we were in a sea battle and a cannon ball smashed my leg. But now it’s patched up. I’m fine, really.”

Bartender: “What about the hook? Last time I saw you, you had both hands.”

Pirate: “Well, we were in another battle and I was in a sword fight. My hand got cut off. But I’ve been fitted with this hook, and I feel great, really.”

Bartender: “ What about the eye patch then? Last time you were in here, you had both eyes.”

Pirate: “Well, one day out at sea, some gulls were flying over us. I looked up, and one of them shat in my eye.”

Bartender: “So what happened? You couldn’t have lost an eye just from bird shit.”

Pirate: “Well, I wasn’t used to the hook et, you see.”

Forgive, not forget

FORGIVE your enemy but remember the bastard’s name.

Drinking problem

ALCOHOL does not solve drinking problems but neither does milk.

Same time

A NEW study finds that a woman’s “I’ll be ready in five minutes” is exactly the same as a man’s “I’ll be home in five minutes.”

Tell me why

If we are not meant to have midnight snacks, then why is there a light in the fridge?

Chinese carnivores

If Adam and Eve had been Chinese, we would still be in Paradise because they would have eaten the snake instead of the apple.

Helping hand

HELP someone when they are in trouble and they will remember you when they are in trouble again.

Simple breaststroke

A BLONDE, a redhead and a brunette are in a river breaststroke swimming competition.

The redhead wins and the brunette comes in second. But there is no sign of the blonde.

Hours go by and the people are worried.

Just as everyone is losing hope, the blonde is finally seen.

She clambers onto the riverbank and goes straight to the judge: “I have a complaint. Those two girls used their arms.”

STRIDE OUT IN STYLE

Extracted from “The Star” dated 11 February, 2014

As a young adult, looking good is of paramount importance. Putting your best foot forward and having a sharp outfit go far in drawing attention and showing people you mean business.

   Often, having a nice wardrobe is associated with needing lots of money. But not all of us have deep pockets. We need time to get there. How do we deal with it then, in the interim? After all, women want to look smart, polished and chic. It gives us confidence.

   Figuring out stylish work outfits can be difficult, and it can be even more difficult if your budget is small. However, with some creative styling, smart accessorising and knowledge of how you’d like to be perceived, a stylish yet affordable work outfit is easy to put together.

   You’ll be surprised at how a simple dress can make one look elegant and attractive. It is even better if your office wear can double as a casual outfit; that’s value for money.

   Online fashion store Whitesoot co-founder Estee Chong, 27, feels that dressing up at the workplace is important. “It’s not trivial at all. Dressing has become the unspoken factor in measuring a person’s competitiveness. Sales people understand this best and we see this often in insurance agents and sales people. They realise that dressing up is just as important as product knowledge.”

   Here are five tips on how you can look stylish in the office:

Tip 1: Go bold

   Bright and strong colours exude confidence. Sometimes it doesn’t hurt to stand out and make an impression. “I find that each time I wear a red dress, no matter how simple it is, I get a lot of male attention, from the taxi driver to my colleague,” says advertising executive Lisa Tan, 26.

   Male attention is one thing, but if you have a boardroom meeting or a deal to seal, wearing a bold dress helps. Look at the powerful women and the clothes they choose when they go on stage. It is never white or a weak brown. It is often a strong and striking colour. Time to go bold, ladies.

Tip 2: Accent up

   We understand that not every woman enjoys bright colours. No problem. For the colour-averse, there is a way to keep monochrome style interesting. A beautiful monotone blouse tucked into a black pencil skirt is a classic look, but take it up a notch by adding a brooch, a statement necklace or an accent detail. You’ll be amazed at the marked difference this little accent makes. You go from plain to wow in a second. If you worry about your ability to pair your clothes and accessories, purchase pieces which come with in-built accents. You must have seen blouses with pearl embellishments or gold studs on the collar making waves in recent months. These are wonderful pieces to buy because they give you instant style. For example, a long-sleeved button-down blouse with pearl embellishment on the collar makes an extraordinary work wear piece. So accent up and go wow.

Tip 3: Power dress

   The power of a dress is simply undeniable. It is also the easiest way to look stylish if you aren’t confident about putting together clothes. We recommend a chic dress that shows off your curves even if you aren’t the typical size 6. A power dress brings out the womanliness and beauty in you. The importance of a good dress cannot be emphasised more. A power dress looks good even without a blazer. Whether it’s the colour or its elongating effect, the right dress can empower you to go the distance in your workplace.

Tip 4: Belt it

   Just like a necklace can do wonders to a plain dress, so can a belt. A belt can flatter your figure by creating an hourglass shape and add personality to your dress. You can knot it to give a twist to a flowsy dress, or use it to further enhance a ladylike look. If you are wearing a plain dress, a totally different belt colour can add pop and style to it. For slimming effects, choose a narrow belt in the same colour as the dress.

Tip 5: Forget jeans, go for pants and skirts

   What? This seemingly obvious tip is however lost to many. When a company announces casual Fridays, women dive their into their jeans and don’t seem to come out from it. Be the rebel and show off your pretty clothes, normally deemed casual for workdays. Go for coloured pants, flouncy skirts or even skater dresses.

   These are refreshing and youthful choices that surprisingly many working women stay away from.