Laugh Out Loud

Extracted from “The Star – 22nd February 2014”

Ode to David Moyes

UNITED is red, Everton is blue

Ever since you joined us, we’ve become poo

Watching you move from blunder to blunder

How we sink so low, I wonder

You’ve turned the champions into a team of fools

Whoever watches us play, snoozes and drools

How you got the job, I don’t know

But you’ve got to accept it’s time for you to go

You’ll never be like Fergie, no matter how hard you try

So for the love of God, David, please say goodbye

 

Monetary comfort

MONEY can’t buy you happiness but it’s more comfortable to cry in a Mercedes than on a bicycle.

 Pirate parts

A PIRATE walks into a bar.

Bartender: “Hey, I haven’t seen you in a while. What happened? You’re a mess!”

Pirate: “What do you mean? I’m fine.”

Bartender: “What’s with the wooden leg? You didn’t have that before.”

Pirate: “Well, we were in a sea battle and a cannon ball smashed my leg. But now it’s patched up. I’m fine, really.”

Bartender: “What about the hook? Last time I saw you, you had both hands.”

Pirate: “Well, we were in another battle and I was in a sword fight. My hand got cut off. But I’ve been fitted with this hook, and I feel great, really.”

Bartender: “ What about the eye patch then? Last time you were in here, you had both eyes.”

Pirate: “Well, one day out at sea, some gulls were flying over us. I looked up, and one of them shat in my eye.”

Bartender: “So what happened? You couldn’t have lost an eye just from bird shit.”

Pirate: “Well, I wasn’t used to the hook et, you see.”

Forgive, not forget

FORGIVE your enemy but remember the bastard’s name.

Drinking problem

ALCOHOL does not solve drinking problems but neither does milk.

Same time

A NEW study finds that a woman’s “I’ll be ready in five minutes” is exactly the same as a man’s “I’ll be home in five minutes.”

Tell me why

If we are not meant to have midnight snacks, then why is there a light in the fridge?

Chinese carnivores

If Adam and Eve had been Chinese, we would still be in Paradise because they would have eaten the snake instead of the apple.

Helping hand

HELP someone when they are in trouble and they will remember you when they are in trouble again.

Simple breaststroke

A BLONDE, a redhead and a brunette are in a river breaststroke swimming competition.

The redhead wins and the brunette comes in second. But there is no sign of the blonde.

Hours go by and the people are worried.

Just as everyone is losing hope, the blonde is finally seen.

She clambers onto the riverbank and goes straight to the judge: “I have a complaint. Those two girls used their arms.”